Baron Zemo's Lair. - Wave Three B: Conclusion

Baron Zemo's Lair

Wave Three B: Conclusion
Friday, 10-Sep-1999 20:00:01
150.131.229.80 writes:

Invasion of the Gods
Wave Three B

“The universe is made up of stories, not atoms.” Muriel Rukeyser

“We shall expect the best and worst from mankind, as from the weather.” Vauvenargues

“I am a man; nothing human is alien to me.” Terence

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” Anon

“The world will be saved by one or two people.” Andre` Gide

“Never despair. Never surrender.” Rorschach/Alan Moore, Watchmen

The Chronicler of Stories and the other two major members of the Library of Time, Samhain: Destroyer of Ideas, and the Shaper of Worlds, had succeeded in convincing the Hooded Hood to accompany them. Since the trio of cosmic beings had been around for quite some time, they knew very well that the Hood had ulterior motives, but decided that the Hood was, in comparison to them, of little or no consequence. Whatever retconning powers he had were outmatched by their combined abilities.

The Hooded Hood frankly didn’t care what the Trio was up to, nor did he really care what they thought of him. He had access to the Book of Time, mostly because NTU had talked the Chronicler into allowing the Hood to accompany the Chronicler and the other cosmic beings to the Library, where a rather rash action was about to take place.

The Titans would be unleashed upon the Gods. And all would suffer.

The Dark Knight, one of the few tactical geniuses left alive in the Parodyverse after the Gods killed everything, took a few months, as was his wont, to string together a means of counter attack.

Contacting the Chronicler of Stories was his first move. His second move was to simply offer to pay the disgruntled alien armadas to turn against their “employers.” Cash, when one wasn’t getting paid at all, seemed to be quite an incentive.

Zeus and Hera, rulers of the Gods, looked out from what remained of their citadel.

Galactivac, the Living Death that Sucks, had pretty much removed whatever energy there had ever been from their forcefields and basic electrical machinery.

Zemo’s troops, NTU-150’s elfin assistant, Knight Academy attendants, and really anyone else who wanted to have access to technology had stolen their stockpile of technology.

The Gods were in trouble.

Then came the announcement that Space Ghost had confiscated the entire ambrosia storage of the Gods.

Visionary, all things considered, piloted his aircraft rather well. It was only until after he picked up Cheryl that he realized that his shoelace had become somehow caught in the craft’s steering mechanism, and Cheryl had to save the plane from crashing as the hapless possibly fake man tried cutting his shoelace loose.

Visionary swore, “Even though I can’t fly a plane, I’m still real, dammit!”

The blonde telepath learned from Tina that the battle was really pretty much over. N-Star, as the blonde telepath was called, used her teleportational abilities (which we’ll explore in a moment) to take her boyfriend, Darkhwk, and herself to rendezvous with NTU-150 and Tina, where Tina and N-Star would discuss the finer points of mastering psionics, especially that weird guy who looked like Sir Alec Guinness and kept babbling about “the fake side of the Source”, some guy named Visionary who’d fallen to the fake side of the Source, and why that weird guy had appeared to them in ghostly form.

Wreckage, boyfriend to N-Star, pondered on one simple subject. How many variations of teleportation had she mastered by now? 5? 6?

The Hooded Hood grabbed the Book of Time while the Chronicler, Shaper, and Samhain were busy keeping track of the Titans’ slaughtering of the supposed Gods, who come to find out, were nothing more than over-lauded former Hollywood actors who had discovered secret recipes for ambrosia, and the rest was genocidal galactic history. He quickly escaped via the Portal of Pretentiousness, presumably into his own subplot.

Hatman, ManMan, and CrazySugarFreakBoy! will be mentioned in this sentence, as it was later discovered that they gained parts in this story helping the conquered Gods rebuild everything that had been wrecked in the Parodyverse.

That was only until they discovered the “Gods”’ so-called Creation Machine, which was really nothing more than a machine that transformed existing matter into whatever its owner desired.

But the Gods were still punished, you see. Who else do you think the victorious side sent to clean up France?

In the rebuilt universe of the Parodyverse, the Dark Knight set up training academies universe-wide in hopes of gaining more recruits to mold in his own unique way.

The Crying Clown once again became a major crime force… but on a much more galaxial scale.

Neil walked out on the production of this story after finding out that he had to mop up the excrement in the stalls of the aliens’ domestic beasts.

Fin Fang Foom still, to this day, has not removed the “Ring of Eternal Commitment” from his finger.

Banjooo managed on adding a good 15% of France to his empire. While France is useless land, he figures he can use it to build more prisons there.

Spiffy also walked out on the production of this story, feeling that his character was reduced to nothing more than a ferny wuss. He has since never been in another production by anyone, including Rob Liefeld.

After losing their connection to ambrosia, the Gods lost their immortality and had Hell to pay. Literally. Mefrothro and Satan were pissed.

And the Hooded Hood sat down, with the Quill of Eons, ready to make changes to the Book of Time.

It was then that the Book of Time morphed into an anthropomorphic raven, shat on his desktop, and flew back to the arms of the Chronicler.

And thus, the Parodyverse defeated the Gods.

But what happened to the Gods?

Look around. They’re working in places like McDonalds and record stores that carry the last releases by the Backstreet Boys and N Sync. Because both groups and their like are dead now. The author killed them.

---Gregory Burch, GMYS Crime Correspondent, who will have revenge on the whore hopper for this column. Oh yes.

The Dark Knight knows this is shorter than Hell, but he has no time to flesh this out anymore